Through Pain, There Is Beauty.

Hello again and welcome back to my blog. To me, my blog is my safe haven. My online journal for you all to read and sometimes, life gets dark. It gets tough. It's taken me quite a while to write this post for you guys. To try and explain in a few words about where I've been, what has happened in my life without me trying to sound like a victim like I'm fishing for all the compliments in the world. When all I'm wanting and seeking, is some sort of closure to this chapter. To put some sort of light back into my life.

The roller coaster didn't stop. When I thought it had, I started unbuckling my seat belt and before I had a chance to even breath, it had sped back off. I couldn't catch my breath back. What I'm trying to say, is that I spiralled. I didn't see it. My family didn't see it. My friends, housemate, work friends didn't see it. Until I hit rock bottom and I was found hiding in a corner in a spare room, crying and harming myself. Depression is something I've lived with for around 11 years now. 11 years of learning about myself, learning about my triggers and more importantly, learning what helps me. What soothes my anxious thoughts, and stop the darkness from consuming me. But like I said, I didn't see this coming. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't go in my positive circle and do my normal routine. I was completely oblivious. Until it hits you like a tonne of bricks like falling and you've just hit the ground. That sudden realisation, fuck.

Even talking about it now, weeks after that realisation, it hurts. It hurts me that I hurt people around me and I shut them all out. It hurts me, that I had to make some big changes in my life. I had to leave the toxic circle I created around myself and move back in with my parents, I had to sit down with myself and tell myself "I am not happy." but instead of crying like I had been, I asked myself "What can I do?" and I'm still asking myself. "What can I do?" Every day I'm asking myself that question, and right now it's myself.
Which brings me to my new tattoo. I contacted my friend Tore (@atinymew) and gave her what I had in my mind to close this chapter and to say she nailed it is an understatement. She gave myself a permanent reminder that I'm okay, and regardless of the thoughts of in my head, I can survive. Every little bit represents something to me. The bow and flower define my beauty, and even in pain, I'm still beautiful. The dagger represents the pain I'll go through living with a mental illness. Lastly, the skull speaks for itself.

So I'm closing this blog post, as I close that chapter of my life. It's hard to talk about, it's hard to realise how unhappy I have been and just bottled up the emotions. I take each day as they come. Some days are good, and some days are god awful. But each day is brighter as I'm now Aunty KoKo to my beautiful nephew (If you follow me on Instagram, I've been spamming his chubby cheeks all over my story). Talking about mental illness will always be hard, but as long as you have a tight support network if that's in family, friends, doctors or even at work, it makes it easier.

Kourtney x

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