15.2.19

Forgiveness.

As people, we have many characteristics. Good and bad, we all carry something that defines us as a person. I would say (and like to think) one of my characteristics, is my big heart. The main one which defines me as a person, which is the one thing I mainly look for when it comes to my fellow peers, family and future relationships. It's my biggest rise and my biggest downfall. So I find myself asking myself; can I really forgive?

My forgiveness is something that I think will kill me. Because I forgive everyone. I am a firm believer that everyone and anybody who crosses my path in life deserve a second, third and maybe forth chance at proving me wrong. Proving to me that the image I have for this person can be altered or changed in some way, some form. And that's why my forgiveness will kill me because naturally that image never alters no matter how many times I'll try, and no matter how many times I wish.

I ask myself the question "Can I really forgive?" because I've found myself in different situations when asking the question. The first way is regarding a friendship. An old friend of mine has come back into my life and shown me that the image I had, deserved to be altered. The friendship, from the beginning, was such a pure form of beauty. We met in college and became, what I would describe as soul sisters. We laughed, cried, shared experiences that not any normal friendship would experience and endured the same in our short lives. When you meet someone who understands and accepts everything wrong with you from the second you first speak to each other and who thinks the same as you, is something special and something I don't want to lose again. Can I really forgive? For friendship, yes.

The second way I found myself asking was regarding my past relationships. One person said to me, they found peace in life because they forgive people. But they truly forgive the people who have hurt them in the past, and that's why they have such a positive outlook on life. So is that where I'm going wrong? I haven't truly forgiven the people I gave my heart, soul and love to for them to burn, crush and throw it away. I say and think; I forgive you. But yet when I think back on my past relationships I'm left broken again. And is that what's standing in my way to achieving happiness, the burden of my past I've pushed down?

Lastly, it's to me. I found myself asking the reflection in the mirror. Can I forgive myself? For allowing myself to be treated so badly by others, by the voices in my head. Can I forgive myself for letting my mental illnesses take over my life and every aspect of life and blurring my vision? Can I forgive myself on how badly I've treated others? Saying nasty comments when angry, for not allowing things to progress, for being prejudice towards others who are trying to help me, and thinking a certain way about others. And the answer, and will always be, yes. 

If I took every person who hurt me, lined them up against a wall and saw their faces. I'll probably still turn around and ask who wants to go for a drink and give out the olive branch. Because the weight of the hatred for them is too heavy for me to carry anymore, and that's just the type of person I am.

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